if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
