so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
