This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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