Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
