Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
