can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
