my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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