I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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