I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think people are normalizing furries
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
