My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
