dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
