I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We have so much sex to catch up on
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
