I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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