OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
