I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
