saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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