You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
