so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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