I skipped work to stalk him.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
