There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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