Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
