I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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