Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Non-Jews are for practice
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
