She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
