Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
