Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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