I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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