Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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