mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
