What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
