Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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