I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
vagina is talking i cant
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
