hotel room ftw
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
