Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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