I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
