Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
