Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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