The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
