if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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