you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
