If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
