how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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