i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
