I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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