You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm just crazy horny about you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the raccoons are back...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
