So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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