Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
