my mouth tastes like poor choices
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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