I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
