the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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