you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
